.}

Saturday, April 25, 2015

1:35 AM Y

Post title : Penang!!

♥ You'll never know the real me.

In another few hrs i will by flying to Penang le!! Have been wanting to go Penang since years ago..coz there's many delicious local delicacies that im dying to try!!

But..somehow..i dont really feel as excited as my past trips..maybe bcoz im not travelling with him..wish you were the one going with me..

Hmm..anyway, i cant wait to eat and eat those yummy food!! Char kway teow, assam laksa, curry noodles, chendol, prawn noodles..omg im drooling..i hope i dont carry a food baby when im back!

Monday, April 20, 2015

1:13 AM Y

Post title : Deep feelings

♥ You'll never know the real me.

These few weeks...I felt like riding another roller coaster again..mood swings, thoughts just ran through me over and over..somehow I seemed to feel tired easily, like my brain cells were working too hard..whenever im alone, thoughts start to run wild, feelings start to become raw..maybe I should just pen it all down, hopefully to release some of them from my brain and heart..

I tried to hold him hoping he could turn back..even though maybe I would risk damaging my own heart if he still chose to walk away from me, I will never regret my decision to salvage because I want to fight for my own love and happiness. I was being scolded for being so silly, because the one making the mistake is not me, why am I the one salvaging? Well, for him, I don't mind being silly..Just a simple reason: because he is the one I love most..Anyway, I failed, damage done.

He decided to let go of my hand and held on to hers, my heart broke completely and couldnt stop bleeding..tears were flowing like its abundant..I couldnt stop dreaming of you..I still love you deeply..and so I decided to freeze my own heart to stop the bleeding and pain..maybe its a form of 逃避..its not gonna heal this way, but I don't know what else to do..I felt its better to stay this way to prevent myself from feeling the pain..anyway, I thought he would never turn back..like everything became a dream and I should just come back to reality..

Well, he came back to ask me for a second chance..to be frank, I was lost at the point of time..a mixture of feelings..I felt a lil happy and touched because he came back for me and it proved that he still love me..I felt a lil sad because he only turned back when he had tried out the other side of the grass to realise that the grass he used to have is greener..I felt more of afraid because I had lost faith in relationship and I didnt feel ready to start a relationship again..Im not ready to give him an answer..

I was subconsciously hoping..maybe he can slowly melt my heart once again and help me to heal my wound and mend my broken heart..it is not easy as my fear of pain has been deterring me from committing to the r/s..melting my heart needs some effort from him, to rebuild my confidence in him and make me believe in our love once again..

Actions always speak louder than words..

But..my heart was crushed instead of melted..his words became very hurtful..he thought that I am just being childish and playing hard to get and I have the intention of revenging, by making him suffer like how I did..原来你是这样看我的..he felt that im just wasting his time and he had enough of it..

You said you wanted to heal my wound...but you don't even want to take the first step of healing first by rebuilding my confidence and also my faith in love, unless we are together..When you pushed me down repeatedly, and needed your care and concern to stop my bleeding first before I can hold your hand to get up and walk with you again..you choose to stand one side and ask me to get up on my own..

You asked for the leap of faith, but I have the fear of jumping because of you..I wanted to overcome my fear and needed your concern to help me overcome my fear..but...where are you..

You broke my heart into pieces..I was hoping you can take the responsibility to help me stick back the pieces one by one to make it whole again..but..you picked the broken pieces and expect it to return back to its original by itself without doing anything..

You implied that you turning back is the biggest effort from you to show your love..but..it is no longer enough to heal me..because you gave me a big blow before you walked away..

I am no longer hurt by your infidelity..because I have already forgiven you..I can choose to let go of the past mistake..but what hurts me most is your unwillingness to do anything to heal me when you want the second chance to salvage the r/s..

Sometimes I feel why you can't put yourself in my shoes and understand the fear that I am going through? I know you are still learning how to love and want to better maintain a r/s, but I only need you to make me feel loved and cherished again, like how you used to do it when we are at the initial stage of our r/s..to give me the strength to hold your hand again..but..you told me the wooing stage is over....and its either be together or end of story..sigh..these words really hit me hard..and so you didnt even want to shower any care or concern for me..I feel like you won't cherish me in the very first place because it does not matter to you and my feelings are not in your consideration..I thought as my soulmate, you would have understand me even better..

You make me feel that I am really not worthy of your time and effort..似乎我不值得你疼惜..is it I am no longer your priority..

I was looking through all the past photos..I really miss the him who used to love me in every way he could, who always leave the best for me, who always showers me with care and concern, who cherish me like a little princess of his, who is always there when I am feeling down, who will put down his ego and comfort me when mistakes were made, whom in his heart i matters the most..where is he..will he come back

I was a lil softened when you started messaging a lil of your daily work life..I was touched when you dropped by my house to specially pass me a gift during eve of our supposed anniversary..my heart felt a lil warmth when you hug me in your arms..I thought, maybe he is trying..maybe he is coming back..but..waves of disappointment and sadness always come when you only appear when you are free, or when you said hurtful words to me, or when you are unwilling to overcome my dark fear that is looming over me right now..我..在你心里是可有可无吗?

I hope I can put faith in relationship again, but are you willing to give me the courage in the first place? Im in my toughest time, yet in the end, I have to walk through it alone..

I was hoping you can walk through beside me, and help me overcome my fear..but..is it i am expecting too much..

Haiz..time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and freeze it again..maybe i shouldnt be expecting..

Somehow..i feel like i am lost in the jungle now..sigh..

Anything that is beyond my control now, maybe only time can tell..

**I was listening to this one of my all time fav music while typing this post...sad emo music..tears drop again~~

Monday, April 13, 2015

10:37 PM Y

Post title :

♥ You'll never know the real me.

Today is 13th april..what is so special today?

Actually nothing special..but sweet memories were being flashed back while i was writing the date for today.

Exactly 1 year ago on this day, him and i were on the HK Victoria Peak..writing a love message, to wish for both of us to have everlasting love and happiness..to hung our promise on the "love" tree..

04/13/14.....一生一世

Time flies. One year has passed. At that point of time, I was so looking forward to our future. Yet during this period of 1 year, so many changes happened.

Too many mixed thoughts and feelings were running in my mind. Too much to pen down. But not today, feeling tired. Didnt sleep well yesterday.

Today is just a random flashback. Nowhere to share. so i just share it with my little space here.

Another 2 days. Just counting down by myself.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

1:00 AM Y

Post title : 一厢情愿

♥ You'll never know the real me.

我怎么觉得 this whole time..好像是我一厢情愿..

一厢情愿地觉得你还是很爱我的..

但也许你已不爱我了..

一厢情愿地觉得你跟她在一起很不快乐..

但也许你其实是快乐的, 只有我一人活在痛苦当中,

又或者是我把你烦得不开心...

一厢情愿地觉得你想要挽回我..

但也许是我对你死残烂打...

我是否在打扰你的生活呢?

是不是与其三个人痛苦, 就让我一人继续痛苦好了?

我..不想让你陷入两难..

Monday, June 06, 2011

2:01 AM Y

Post title : Random shoutout

♥ You'll never know the real me.

不晓得为什么,今天特别想在这里呐喊...

今天当你绷着个脸时,你说你很累,我知道你不是,因为就算你再累,脸上已很明显看到你疲倦的样子,你也很少在我面前喊累.我想你一定是为了我说的话而心情不好.不过我表面选择相信你,不是因为我信以为真,而是我认为你不想说是一定有自己的苦衷,我也不想逼问你.但后来当你说我不了解你时,我就试着逼问你为何心情不好,你就跟我所预料的一样,你一直否认你心情不好.当下我决得好难过,虽然我早早就跟自己说我不想逼问你,但当你在我面前否认的时候,我的心情变得好承重.

我在想你是不是对我所说的话感到失望？

又或许你是不是为了我所说的话感到难过？

无论如何，我只知道看到你难过却一句都不跟我说，我心里只有自己难受.

不过或许你不想说，也有你的原因跟想法吧.

就象最近为了一些自己的事而被搞到又累又不愉快.我想跟你诉苦,但有时看到你时,心情不知不觉就会好许多，根本不想再把不愉快的事提出来。有时我害怕你会为了我的事感到无能为力而难过,我自己也感到内疚.所以有时为了不想让你这样,我选择不说出来. 不过于这件事来讲，其实说不说出来并不重要,因为只要你在我身边,我的心情就会变得好起来,让我不再忧郁,就像事情已解决了一样.也给了我能量与勇气继续面对.不是觉得你无能，我只是不想为了我的一些你暂时能力有限的事而增加你的负担.因为我是这么觉得.闷在心里的确不好受，不过我宁愿我自己难受也不要你不好过.

我只想对你说:

Thanks for just being there, no matter what happens.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

11:26 PM Y

Post title : Singapore Youth Olympic Games~!

♥ You'll never know the real me.

It's been a great time spent at YOG~!

Thanx to my sis who pulled me along during Diving Invitational,so i gt a chance to participate in YOG's Diving event! e period started from 16th and ended on 24th aug...during this period,almost everyday i got lotsa fun~! prob except when we gt scolded for some reasons,or we were damn angry at some irritating hypocrites..but it didnt dampen e whole spirit~! and because of e scope of my duty, i gt to intereact with e atheletes and coaches,watch e atheletes dive "live" and take photos with them..hehe..seriously,most of them dun look like 16 or 17 years old..they look quite mature actually..haha..but they were so handsome and pretty~! and some were really quite friendly and fun to talk to..

Not only e atheletes and coaches,e other volunteers were rather fun-loving too! prob coz they were either younger than me or about e same age as me,so we could all go crazy together..haha..

On e last day of event after everything ended,we were allowed to try e facilities at e complex..coz me and another volunteer chong hwee din really know how to swim and float,we tried practising at e swimming pool..why we thot we nd to practise was coz e pool at e diving area was 4.5m! thot it would be quite scary if we dun practise awhile 1st..haha..

After hesitating for awhile and much persuasion from others,we still decided to try diving for e 1st time!! we thot it might be our 1st and e last time to try it out..but before tt,we asked some of our frenz to standby in case we needed them as lifeguards..lolx..we 1st tried e 3m springboard..it looked rather easy to jump,but when i stepped onto e springboard and edged towards e tip of e springboard, it was really OMG~!! it looked soooo high when i looked down to e pool~! it's so freaking scary to tk e 1st step out and leap off tt springboard can! finally when i mustered enough courage to jump down and floated up e pool,it's a totally diff feeling..what an awesome experience~! really couldnt use words to describe it..

Next we went up to e 5m platform..when we went up,we totally said no already..it's so damn high la~! but we still stayed up there to give moral support to 2 of them who were intending to jump down..they also hesitated for quite awhile,in e end only 1 of them jumped down,e other last min withdrew..lolx..jux for ur info,5m is nt e highest,there's still 10m~! we went up and needless to say,we din even thot of attempting,and we din even wanna stay up there for a minute..

On e way down we decided to give 3m another go..thot since we already had our 1st try,e 2nd try would be easier..we were SO WRONG..when we edged to e tip of e springboard again,e fear was back again~! this time,when i leaped off e board, i subconsciously screamed..LOL..but again,it was another amazing experience after tt..=)

After e pool was closed,we stayed around for pizza and chit chat..and we got our YOG cert! we continued to play around and took silly photos before we left e complex with a tired body and a heavy heart..

This marks e end of e one and probably e only SYOG..it has been a wonderful experience and im so happy to be part of e history~! :)))

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

1:17 PM Y

Post title : Happy Birthday to me!

♥ You'll never know the real me.

I am 22 now! undeniably..haha..

I guess coz im already above 21,so i dun really feel e particular excitement when my birthday is here nor any anticipation when e day is nearing..haha..but e funny thing is im still usually quite excited when my close frenz' birthdays are approaching but not my own..din really hav any big celebrations with frenz like wat i did with them in e past..now im contented with just a simple dinner and chill out time with them..

And i fell sick 3 days before my actual day..so suay can~! from sore throat to fever to cough..it's been long since i fell sick so seriously,and for so long..my sore throat till now still haven fully recover..haiz..

E 1st person to celebrate for me was my buddy xuemei~! on e 5th after my temp job ended for e day, met up with her and we went to great world..accompanied her to buy e chocolates for her anniversary gift 1st before we settled down at ichiban boshi for dinner..e dinner was her treat..=) felt so shiok to sit down coz my legs were sore from all e runnings and walking arounds with my heels during work,and i din even hav much chance to sit down for 11 hrs..though e heels wasnt very high, it is quite a new pair..we ate and chatted until 9 plus before we made our way back home..also couldnt stay too late coz we both got to wake up early for work e next day,esp me..got to wake up at 5 plus..=S

E next person to celebrate with me was pat,who celebrated with me on e next day..she also went for e same temp job..tt day was e last day,so after everything including packing up and stuff,e person-in-charge gave us tickets to Marina Bay Sands Sky Garden for FREE~!! hehe..initially they gave us sat's tics,but we said we dun mind gg tt day,so they gave us e tics for tt day instead..it's kind of a long journey to MBS sky garden..coz i realised there's no longer a direct bus to suntec,and e bus tt we could took kept running off without us notice..finally we managed to take a bus to e bus stop outside suntec..and we gt to walk all e way down to buy Subway for our dinner..den ran to e bus stop at e convention centre to tk bus to MBS..by e time we reached there it's already 940 and e sky garden closed at 10..and we gt to hide our food in our bags coz we dunno if they would allow or they might confiscate it if not allowed..haha..luckily,though e sky garden entrance closed at 10,they allowed those already at e sky garden to walk until 1030..so we din "lu-gi" after all..wahaha..and seriously,e night view was really quite magnificient~! and i finally saw e scary swimming pool which seem to have no barriers at e end of e building..e only bad pt was it's not very windy as expected..i also dunno why..anw,after we came down,i suggested eating our dinner-cum-supper at e sitting area beside Robinsons at City hall coz it's nearer to mrt and we dun hav to fear we cant tk e last train home..really got to thank her coz despite her legs already very pain and tired (and me too!) from all e walking and standing during work,she still willing to accompany me to spend my birthday on my actual day itself..=)

On e 8th,me and my family went to East Coast to hav seafood dinner~! Whee! Love seafood to e max~! Probably coz next day is a public holiday so tt day was exceptionally crowded..parking was almost full...we couldnt really decide which restaurant to go so we jux settled down on any one of e restaurants,which was not as well known as those like Jumbo or Long Beach..but surprisingly,their seafood was not bad,especially e crab! but their other side dishes like Pai Gu werent tt nice..but overall,it's still a great and sumptuous dinner,and a good time spent with my family..

On e 10th celebrated with my nus buddies ah man rainbow jaz and pat..we went for e crystal jade xiao long bao buffet at holland v..coz my sore throat still haven recover,so i couldn really eat e spicy part..but of coz i couldnt resist not eating at all..haha..this time we ordered alot of xiao long baos..erm,if i din rmb wrongly we ordered a total of 10 plus sets of xiao long baos~! wahaha..with me and pat eating e most of them..lolx..coz we so love xiao long baos~!! in e end we were super full..after e buffet ended at 8,pat went home 1st,while e rest of us decided to go watch "Salt" movie at JP..movie started at 940,and rainbow gt to meet her client for awhile..whhile waiting,me ah man and jaz went to shop ard..when we passed by Bakerzin,jaz told us she saw a discount off e desserts and beverages..at 1st me and ah man couldnt believe,so out of curiosity we walked back to check it out,and turned out to be true!

Dun be amazed by girls' appetite for desserts...we were so tempted by e cakes,so we decided to settle for desserts!! somehow we dun feel full anymore after looking at e cakes..LOL..we sat and chatted while waiting for rainbow to meet us before we went for e movie together,and homed at 11 plus..

Really thanks to all my family and buddies who spent my birthday with me~!! *Hugs* XD